Competition No 3815
We want a rejection letter delivered to a famous historical or fictional character.
Dear Herr Goebbels,
After the departure of Mr Kilroy-Silk, the BBC is anxious to continue his esteemed programme as soon as possible with a suitable presenter. We are grateful to all who agreed to be interviewed at short notice.
I must inform you that the Selection Panel were highly impressed with the style of your presentation, and felt that your proposal of rebranding the show as Joseph had real merit. Your idea of despatching recalcitrant audience members to the ‘Gestapo Room’ opens new prospects for ‘reality television’.
The BBC is committed to free speech and (as any listener to the Today programme knows) wishes to air voices from all points on the political spectrum. Your regular column in Der Stürmer presents no problems; this seems wholly analogous to the Sunday Express.
You would have been the ideal successor to Mr Kilroy-Silk. However the Panel felt that your public association with a notorious and self-declared vegetarian made your appointment impossible. As you will be aware, the BBC has just signed a three-year sponsorship deal with Greaso Burgers.
We hope that your public relations talents soon find employment in an environment more suited to them, such as the Home Office.
Dear Ms Antoinette,
Thank-you for your application for the job of Head of Publicity at the British Bread Marketing Board. Your royal connections would have been a valued asset on the international scene (though President Chirac might, understandably, have felt somewhat ambiguous). Your cosmopolitan background in Austria and France enhanced your credibility; clearly you are a lady who knows the difference between a baguette and a Vienna roll. We were somewhat anxious as to whether the salary we could offer would enable you to live in the style to which you are accustomed, especially shoe purchase.
Regrettably we found that there was one major obstacle to your appointment. You recently acquired considerable prominence for a statement advocating the consumption of a rival product. We are aware that there is some legitimate doubt as to what was actually said. But in the public mind you are irredeemably associated with this statement. Our whole marketing strategy is based on the belief that bread should be eaten by all social classes. The idea that bread should be for ‘us’ but not for ‘them’ is wholly outdated.
We have therefore decided to appoint Mr David Gates, whose commitment to Bread is beyond question.