• 2002: No 3733


    Competition No 3733

    Joshua Winter (NS) wrote that “the human animal is hardwired to find meaning in a universe where there is none.” We want texts to prove that assertion.


    Beckham’s foot? It’s because they have to wear standard European boot sizes. EU regulation. Same with the Queen Mum’s coffin. Why so big? Has to be an exact number of metres. It’s like the boys in Afghanistan. Centimetre-sized  bullets are too small; no wonder they never hit anybody. (That’s why Rommel lost in the Western desert). Angus Deayton only got the job because of an Equal Opportunities scheme for the  sexually underprivileged. Dreamt up in Brussels. As for the  Spanish bluebells, farmers have to plant them, or they get ‘set aside’ for foot‑and‑mouth. Common Agricultural Policy. That pretzel Bush choked on; it was one of the EU standard sizes. Poor old Roy Keane, they paid him in euros. What he really told the manager was: ‘Give me some punt!’ Now even the Statesman’s at it. Down from 200 words to 150. (Like a half litre instead of a decent pint.)