1999: No 3564
Competition No 3564
Dialogue between a marriage guidance counsellor and any figure, current or historical.
A hospital. Mrs Gingrich is wheeled in unconscious. Enter Newt Gingrich, followed by marriage counsellor. He thrusts a sheaf of papers into her hand.
Newt: Hi honey; hope you’re feeling better. Could you sign there? Make it quick. I have a meeting in twenty minutes.
Mrs G : Ugh. Ugh.
Newt: Honey, it’s the divorce. We discussed it.
Mrs G Ugh. Er.
Newt: D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Like in Tammy Wynette.
Counsellor: She’s recovering from a major cancer operation. Give her time.
Newt: Listen.. This country’s facing a major cancer, the cancer of liberalism and permissiveness. There’s no time to waste.
Counsellor: Show some compassion.
Newt: I’ve got to attend a Committee for the Reassertion of Christian Values. I’ve no time for compassion.
Counsellor: Why is it so urgent?
Newt: Do you realise the President of this country is a notorious adulterer? I have to defend family values. This lady makes all the difference between adultery and a bit of innocent fornication.
Mrs G: (wakes) All right, I’ll sign. (She does so. Newt leaves.)
Counsellor: That was an awful ordeal for you.
Mrs G: No, I’m fine. I got rid of two noxious parasites in one day.
(PS: This is a true story.)
Counsellor: Would you like some coffee?
Jagger: (nods) Brown Sugar.
Counsellor: What problem do you have with your wife?
Jagger: I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.
Counsellor: Have things always been like this?
Jagger: She Was Hot.
Counsellor: But things have deteriorated?
Jagger: She’s So Cold.
Counsellor: And do you think there’s any prospect of reconciliation?
Jagger: Come On!
Hall: Don’t put all the blame on me. Who was the last woman you slept with? And when?
Jagger: Ruby. Tuesday.
Counsellor: You do realise you are causing your wife great mental distress?
Jagger: (shrugs) Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown.
Counsellor: (to Hall) Perhaps other members of your family could help.
Jagger: Have You Seen Your Mother?
Hall: Let’s stop messing about. I want a lot of money out of you.
Jagger: Get Off Of My Cloud.
Counsellor: We really should make an effort to try and save this marriage. Don’t either of you think it has any future?
Hall: And don’t say ‘It’s all Over Now’. It’s so corny. (She walks out).
Jagger: (to Counsellor) Let’s Spend The Night Together.