• 1999: No 3564


    Competition No 3564

    Dialogue between a marriage guidance counsellor and any figure, current or historical.


    A hospital. Mrs Gingrich is wheeled in unconscious. Enter Newt Gingrich, followed by marriage counsellor. He thrusts a sheaf of papers into her hand.

    Newt:  Hi honey; hope you’re feeling better. Could you sign there? Make it quick. I have a meeting in twenty minutes.

    Mrs G : Ugh. Ugh.

    Newt:  Honey, it’s the divorce. We discussed it.

    Mrs G Ugh. Er.

    Newt: D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Like in Tammy Wynette.

    Counsellor: She’s recovering from a major cancer operation. Give her time.

    Newt: Listen.. This country’s facing a major cancer, the cancer of liberalism and permissiveness. There’s no time to waste.

    Counsellor: Show some compassion.

    Newt: I’ve got to attend a Committee for the Reassertion of Christian Values. I’ve no time for compassion.

    Counsellor: Why is it so urgent?

    Newt: Do you realise the President of this country is a notorious adulterer? I have to defend family values. This lady makes all the difference between adultery and a bit of innocent fornication.

    Mrs G: (wakes) All right, I’ll sign. (She does so. Newt leaves.)

    Counsellor: That was an awful ordeal for you.

    Mrs G: No, I’m fine. I got rid of two noxious parasites in one day.

    (PS: This is a true story.)




    Counsellor:     Would you like some coffee?

    Jagger:            (nods) Brown Sugar.

    Counsellor:     What problem do you have with your wife?

    Jagger:            I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.

    Counsellor:     Have things always been like this?

    Jagger:            She Was Hot.

    Counsellor:     But things have deteriorated?

    Jagger:            She’s So Cold.

    Counsellor:     And do you think there’s any prospect of reconciliation?

    Jagger:            Come On!

    Hall:                Don’t put all the blame on me. Who was the last woman you slept   with? And when?

    Jagger:            Ruby. Tuesday.

    Counsellor:     You do realise you are causing your wife great mental distress?

    Jagger:            (shrugs) Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown.

    Counsellor:     (to Hall) Perhaps other members of your family could help.

    Jagger:            Have You Seen Your Mother?

    Hall:                Let’s stop messing about. I want a lot of money out of you.

    Jagger:            Get Off Of My Cloud.

    Counsellor:     We really should make an effort to try and save this marriage. Don’t           either of you think it has any future?

    Hall:                And don’t say ‘It’s all Over Now’. It’s so corny. (She walks out).

    Jagger:            (to Counsellor) Let’s Spend The Night Together.