1999

Competition No 3564

Dialogue between a marriage guidance counsellor and any figure, current or historical.

 

A hospital. Mrs Gingrich is wheeled in unconscious. Enter Newt Gingrich, followed by marriage counsellor. He thrusts a sheaf of papers into her hand.

Newt:  Hi honey; hope you’re feeling better. Could you sign there? Make it quick. I have a meeting in twenty minutes.

Mrs G : Ugh. Ugh.

Newt:  Honey, it’s the divorce. We discussed it.

Mrs G Ugh. Er.

Newt: D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Like in Tammy Wynette.

Counsellor: She’s recovering from a major cancer operation. Give her time.

Newt: Listen.. This country’s facing a major cancer, the cancer of liberalism and permissiveness. There’s no time to waste.

Counsellor: Show some compassion.

Newt: I’ve got to attend a Committee for the Reassertion of Christian Values. I’ve no time for compassion.

Counsellor: Why is it so urgent?

Newt: Do you realise the President of this country is a notorious adulterer? I have to defend family values. This lady makes all the difference between adultery and a bit of innocent fornication.

Mrs G: (wakes) All right, I’ll sign. (She does so. Newt leaves.)

Counsellor: That was an awful ordeal for you.

Mrs G: No, I’m fine. I got rid of two noxious parasites in one day.

(PS: This is a true story.)

 

OR

 

Counsellor:     Would you like some coffee?

Jagger:            (nods) Brown Sugar.

Counsellor:     What problem do you have with your wife?

Jagger:            I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.

Counsellor:     Have things always been like this?

Jagger:            She Was Hot.

Counsellor:     But things have deteriorated?

Jagger:            She’s So Cold.

Counsellor:     And do you think there’s any prospect of reconciliation?

Jagger:            Come On!

Hall:                Don’t put all the blame on me. Who was the last woman you slept   with? And when?

Jagger:            Ruby. Tuesday.

Counsellor:     You do realise you are causing your wife great mental distress?

Jagger:            (shrugs) Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown.

Counsellor:     (to Hall) Perhaps other members of your family could help.

Jagger:            Have You Seen Your Mother?

Hall:                Let’s stop messing about. I want a lot of money out of you.

Jagger:            Get Off Of My Cloud.

Counsellor:     We really should make an effort to try and save this marriage. Don’t           either of you think it has any future?

Hall:                And don’t say ‘It’s all Over Now’. It’s so corny. (She walks out).

Jagger:            (to Counsellor) Let’s Spend The Night Together.