• 1998: No 3533


    Competition No 3533

    We want well-known biblical stories in a secular style – anything from Jane Austen to Danielle Steel.


    The Ben Elton Show

    Sexual problems. We all have them, ladies and gentlemen, but they aren’t as bad as in the old days. Take Onan. You say Onan to most people, and they say: ‘What a wanker!’ Not a nice way to be remembered, unless you’re Jeffrey Archer. Now Onan wasn’t a wanker. Here’s the real story. Onan had a brother called Er. That was his name. Imagine his Mum: ‘Er, come here!’. Anyway, Er died, and the custom was in those days, the younger brother had to shag the elder brother’s wife. Nobody asked the lady, of course; maybe little brother wasn’t big enough.

    Onan wasn’t too happy, either. He’s shagging away; he thinks ‘No way do I want a baby with my sister-in-law.’ You know what that means. Coitus interruptus. No coils, no pills, no caps in those days. You having a shag; you’re just getting to the bit you’ve been waiting for, and then suddenly – JUMP! OUT! You get your timing wrong, fellows,  there’s a new face for  breakfast. Makes taking a penalty look like a picnic. So whoosh, splash!, all over the carpet. Then just when Onan’s finished mopping up, God strikes him dead. Some people have no luck.


    (Genesis, 38: 1-10)